Thank you all for coming back and checking out my work. This article I wanted to write something a little different and personal that I once was going through, which is being a Sex Addict while falling into a deep depression losing myself.
Sex addiction is defined as a condition in which an individual cannot manage their sexual behavior. For instance constant sexual thoughts or dependency in which you cannot live your life normal because of it.
Now this is a real touchy subject for me, but in order for me to help and heal others I must be honest with myself and to my readers.
It all started about 7 years ago, when I was in a relationship with a very high profile individual. We dated for over 4 years and had some good and bad times, but this is where my sexual addiction and lost of self began.
When I first met him, he had a girlfriend, and yes we knew about each other and welcomed each other because we both wanted him despite how the relationship played out.
In the beginning we were all sexually active with one another, any way possible, and yes in the beginning it was definitely all fun and games until our feelings and emotions became more involved. She began to despise me because I received more attention than her ( Because I was new) and he began losing feelings for her because we were both part of the same industry, so we built a different bond and understanding.
Of course, we didn't think of the outcome of how this situation-ship can play out, but in the end we ended up together and she moved.
Life after her was beginning to look up, we fell in love and was all about each other, well that is until we began bringing other ladies home. it came to a point where we were with ladies 3 or 4 times out the week. Staying up all hours of the night to partake in fun. I'm not going to front though, I enjoyed it because I enjoyed women but also felt it was my way of "keeping my man happy."
Who was I fooling though. That was the door of hell I opened for myself and him because as years went by, things began to get worse. It came to the point where not only were we indulging in fornication but began going to sex parties, sex clubs and than introducing the drug ecstasy into our lives, which was down hill from there.
I felt after 3 years of living this life I began losing myself and self worth. It was times where we would be with woman and he would put me down mentally and physically in front of them. It was times where he couldn't get hard any more, no matter how hard I tried, because he was so used to multiple woman. He would sometimes have to watch porn in order to get hard,and than he started bringing and picking up women and bringing them to our home, without me there, that's what began opening my eyes even more.
We were missing out on money, opportunities, lost jobs,ruined relationships and began neglecting family for a little bit of pleasure. We were robbed, drugged, incarcerated, and disowned by many because of this period in our lives, even lost a child.
I started cheating on him with other men and women (some we were with together) just to prove a point. What point was I proving? Hell I was proving to myself I no longer loved and lived for myself, I was living a lie he began to feed me. No matter how I seen it I still stayed.
The turning point for me was when we were role playing and I allowed him to tie me up and blind fold me. This was something we did often, we enjoyed kinky shit, but this time was different and made me wake the fuck up.
Now the moment I thought was just us, ended up being a total nightmare. He invited another man into our home, to please me, Without my permission. When I finally realized what was going on, all I can do is scream and plea for it to end. I couldn't believe the man I loved for many years will invite another man to take his woman without permission, and he did. I felt betrayed, dishonored, dirty and most of all like my man let another man rape me.
After that moment, without going into too much detail, I looked at him totally different, but my dumb ass still stayed. I don't know if it was the luxury lifestyle we lived, the fear of living alone, or the thought of he will change that cluttered my mind, but I stayed for another year or so.
I began drinking way too much, partying every night to the wee hours t, popping pills everyday and failed to stick to my career because it didn't give me the pleasure that i was used to. I disowned all my real friends even those that reached out I would flake on, I was in a spiral and I needed to get out.
Eventually, I did get out and we went our separate ways. It wasn't easy though. Finding myself lost and in a hole I was attracting the wrong spirits to feed my soul. One guy I was with months after the breakup whom I barely knew I allowed to stay in my home and we did things not sexually together, but was getting lots of money together. After a year of that, I was scammed, lied to and he ended up putting me in over 20,000 in debt ( One I'm still paying on but luckily not that much). I committed so many crimes and illegal things with this man, all because I didn't care about me and my outcome nor did I care for him. He just gave me temporary satisfaction which I ended up paying for.
Than I met another man who took me to another place of getting plastered everyday and just having sex, although I knew he had way less potential than myself and the previous guys I dated, It was a complete fucking mess, but that ended quickly but also I found myself at the point of becoming a Mother.
After years of giving myself and basically my soul to these men to take, I didn't have nothing else for myself. I didn't know what I wanted to do or be anymore, didn't know how to express or tap into my feelings, and I lost I faith in men all together, even God. I was pregnant, alone and had no one to turn to, at least I thought.
Fast forward, I had to take a break. During my pregnancy I found praying and counting on God more than myself to help heal and restore me. I kept hearing " be patient', " You're Strong," and " Depend on me, I will never leave you even when others do." Well I took that advice, I had to. I felt like sharing what I was really going through with family and friends will prove to everyone I was a dummy.
So I didn't date for almost 5 years in fear of going back to that dark place. It was time for me to rebuild myself and I took the time to do just that. Trust me it wasn't easy, and some nights I still battle that dark spot.
But now I have found true happiness. I am still working on myself and cleaning my spirit, but I know my testimony can and will help someone who feels like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.
I shared this to say, no matter how hard life gets, no matter where life takes you never give up on yourself, most important never give anyone more power over you, than YOU.
Never be afraid of being alone, because there are people who are going through things like it or worse. Never allow yourself to lose faith, Lord knows the many talks we have, and most important HEAL before moving on. Its much better to take the time needed than damaging yourself even more.
Self Hate is worst than the wrong one loving you. Depression can only eat you alive if you don't find your true Purpose and Worth.
For those of you who find yourself reading one of my many testimonies, and know someone or yourself who just cant get out, First continue to pray, meditate and if you don't have anyone around to listen I am here to talk, through text, email, whatever the case maybe to help you heal to the next step.
If this is you or someone who may need this word, please use the contact form or email address to reach me.
Again, Thank you for those who have tapped in,
With Love and Light,
-Nove
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